I am physically impaired right now. It is actually a rather humorous sight to behold.

However when I am walking around in public I can make it look like there is nothing wrong (Unless you look at me when I rise from sitting, know my stride well enough to notice a slight halting, or watch me try and run to get out of the way of a car and nearly fall on my face when my legs don't respond as they should (as I said, fairly humorous)). However, when I am alone in my apartment I hobble around, swinging my arms awkwardly to keep my balance with my new stride. I wince and groan, but mostly laugh at myself (for some reason I laugh at my pain a lot...). I tend to watch TV from the floor, so last night getting up and down off the floor was an entertaining adventure. (Sidenote: I was able to kill 11 crickets during my time on the floor last night. I think I need to start tattooing hash marks on my body for each one I get.)

But it is interesting the dichotomy between the two mes (me plural). Now, I am probably the chief at hiding what is really going on inside me, good or bad (though I would pay good money (well, fake money perhaps) to be able to hold back smiles at times). I know that. But it is a study in the mind to see myself just switch on the cover-up when I step out the door. I am certainly not saying I should be walking around the street the way I walk around my apartment. I would likely scare people. And I would really make an undue spectacle of something that is of no concern. Though I might be more socially entertaining (once people knew it was not serious).

Yet, we all have that wall that goes up when we have pain that is affecting us (I realize any one who reads this and knows me probably views me as the cover boy for this condition; I certainly do). The usual cause and desire of this condition is control. It is our desire to be our own god and hold all the controls to ourselves and the perception of us in others. Once more it is our pride, the root of sin. God save us.

I say nothing profoundly new here. I am not going to promise to a more strident effort to remove this from myself, though it is a battle I shall continue to wage. None of these are revelatory thoughts to me, it has all been thought before. I think I mostly just wanted to say I walk like an old man right now and you don't get to see it.


Stuart said...

1. I am all for the cricket hashes (ie http://moviesblog.mtv.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/district9prawn.jpg).

2. I like your disclaimers.

3. I have seen your old man walk before.

4. I think talking/posting about is part of the wall breaking process whether it promotes an "actual" physical change in behavior or not.

AedonTor said...

1. I was thinking more Zsasz-ian tally marks. Which I suppose would not be tattoos...

2. I like your disclaimers... (sorry I had nothing)

3. *checks his apartment for spy equipment*

4. Posting anything for me generally is. It is part of why I always have such a strong inclination to destroy my blog. (They fixed my means of crashing my blog, much to my dissatisfaction)